When I first bought a cellphone, they have something called profiles, and I used to set a unique ring tone for my mother, who calls me all the time to ask, did I eat ? and what I ate? When I am coming to see her, and ask me to be careful while going and coming … etc endless questions, comments and order! In Facebook terminology, all Organic :-)
I recorded her voice innocently once, which is the only recording I have of her voice now!
When the days are close for her, when I could feel subconsciously, I always think, how long I am going to hear this ring tone! And I used to stare at it for a while before picking up! I use to touch her feel her heartbeat and think God I need to feel this all time in my life how to make it possible?
When she is her last week, I found an oral chemotherapy pills and bought to my doctor and asked him if we can give this to her, he look at me for a moment and said sure this doesn’t harm her, and asked me if he should continue supportive care still, I said yes, as I know in heart I really respect Dr Lakshmanan, he would do any harm to anyone, I was not upset with the origin of the question, but I was upset with the question, my dumb mind was thinking that my mother will recover!
There is a moment when she stopped beating, I see her still sleeping, but I was screaming loud enough to make everyone quiet enough, inside my mind I still couldn’t believe she was gone, but my screaming continued for a while, till my aunt joined me, where I started talking to her, how to take her home without hurting my mother more! It was raining heavy that night!
I didn’t get call from her after that, I didn’t hear that ring tone after that, and I didn’t use that phone also after that!
My ears miss her, I placed a verse in her grave “We can listen to your silence”
My mother’s name is Saroja
‘Roja’ in my native language means Rose, ‘Vaasam’ means, fragrance
Now you know how I came up with this name and slogan for Rojavaasam, “We can listen to your silence”, and my mother grew through what she went through, she is always near and dear in my heart, and never left me, I can always feel the fragrance of her presence :)